Posted by jon O on September 28, 1998 at 16:25:50:
In Reply to: NEW POST- Now what do I do? posted by Sue on September 27, 1998 at 16:02:55:
Im not sure how to post her, so I hope this works,
I live in Scotland UK have been married for 11 years, known my wife for 19 years, we have two great kids ages 8 and 10. The marriage has had it's ups and downs, sure but not too bad I thought, mostly money shortage, my wife looked after the kids full time and decided against working, and didn't like to hire child care etc. I've never hit her, never been with another woman at all, I loved her to bits, although sometimes I wasn't so good at this, I tried though I would buy her flowers occassionaly try to remeber little things like her favourite candy bar while at the store, even try to say things that would flatter her, (in retrospect I think this made her worse! ) Sex was OK in fact it wasn;t often but when it was she was great, real lovable, caring and so sexy. In the past few months though I noticed changes in her behaviour, she avoided me gave excuses in bed, didn't even like me to give her a hug, criticised me often got mean some times, angry, abusive, I have a slight arthritic condition in the spine it hurts and it looks odd sometimes,slight kink in the spine giving me a bit of a lean to one side, I get about though pretty well hold down a good job earn pretty good money, but this condition really bugs her she calls me a cripple in anger and sneers now calling me a weak crooked little man, I lost about 4 inches due to the spine bend, I am now shorter than her which she capitalises on. She will push slap, sometimes kick if sh loses her temper, which is pretty often In fact I notice I tend to tense up when she comes in the house, I think I'm a little frightened of her for God's sake! I used to be so much stronger and active this is a real blow. It's like I really needed her at this time I am 39 she is 35 but instead of support and understanding I get meaness disrespect and abuse. Anyway, the changes in her behaviour were many, scrubbing up a lot more, new underwear!! Black matching, fashionable stuff. She never bothered before about this usually anything in the drawer pulled out usually a bit faded, sometimes with a hole and she would laugh and say well they are comfortable! She was out a lot more and certain lies were being spotted, she went away for a few golf weekends, this started when she started a new part time job two nights a week and one of the weekend days. Not many hours but she was away a lot more than needed. The weekends away, she shared the room although she said it was OK it was with a woman and not to be stupid, she spent so much more time with her make up, called me late from somewhere which I figured wasn't where she said she was and she wqs often a little bubbly with booze I reckon. I would find empty beer cans in the back of the jeep and in our Waste bin, she was wearing new jewellry. The cream on the cake when I found a pack of three condoms in her bag, one was missing from a three pack, I asked her and we argued at first she admitted a one off with another guy, but now that appears a lie, in fact she told me five different stories all I think were lies. Do lesbians use condoms?? Any way I was by this time going out of my mind with worry and to be honest hoping to set my mind at rest rather than anything else, I put a tap on the phone lin. OK I know a bit sleazy but I was desperate to know. Anyway there was a call pretty soon, from the golf pro where she works, and I was clearing a drain at the time, making a lot of noise, the tape activated and recorded them telling each other that they loved each other. and stuff like Well I love you very much, and I know you can't say anything back cos he's probably there, to which my wife replied yeah I know it's a nightmare isn' it I have to keep talking non sense, but Oh he's gone outside now so I love you too. God when I heard it I was totally sick. I confronted her, and she denied it all laughing at me saying I was hearing things. Until I played her the tape, her face fell and she got mad fo invading her privacy. At first she agreed to quit the relationship for the kids sake, but the next day she was back on the phone to her saying I can't be without you my feelings are to strong for you, and she was totally distraught. Now she is still spending a lot of time with her, last week it was more than twice the amount of time that she spent with our kids, I spoke to her partner and asked if they were intmate, she told me yes, I asked have you slept with her, she said I should ask my wife this, which is a bit telling, she would easily have said no if this was the case. My wife has never done anything like this before, at least I don't think so. The other woman is 34 yrs a devout catholic christian (I don't know if thats good or bad) lives with her mother and sister, never been married or even had a relationship apparently. The both say they feel the same way about each other, i.e. totally in love with each other. She says she doesn't love me at all, and only cares and loves Jane, and wants to be with her, she never has been very romantic in the past, now she's totally over the top, in fact it is a bit spooky the level of obsession that is prevalent. Right now we are still in the same house, for the kids, the kids know there is something up but I think they would rather not know, They love us both, my wife still works at the golf range, sees this other woman regularly, and waits until I'm in where she goes out and meets her girlfrriend, she has an attitude of tough too bad I'll do what I like and you can't stop me, and it's nothing to do with me. I have asked her to go even with the kids which she will not be parted from, but she won't go I guess it suits her this way, I look after the kids she goes out. If I leave I will lose my home, and look like the bad guy, I don't see why I should suffer as I am the innocent party. She still doesn' accept she's gay and says although she's intimate, it's not full sex or whatever it is in lesbian terms, although considering all the new black underwear I don't believe her. That effort is sure not for me, The thing is just prior to me finding out about their relationship, we were pretty much OK she would tell me she loved me, I think it was sincere, she would cuddle me and we would have sex in June for instance 4 or 5 times. OK so not setting the ground alight but it appeared she loved me and we enjoyed each other. What the heck happened?? Where am I going? You know even after all she has done I still care for her, it would be easier if I didn,t, she has a look of utter contempt for me on her face now, I just try to back off but the damage has been done, she adores this other woman, which is real hard to bear, I reckon deep down it would be best to quit and divorce, but it isn't so easy, the kids would be upset, but I am the loser. Any suggestions, advice, encouragement, condemnation?? etc.