Posted by gigi on September 29, 1998 at 10:06:29:
In Reply to: Re: My wife a lesbian??? posted by Kris on September 28, 1998 at 20:13:16:
Jon, its a difficult situation you are in and the reality is that your wife for whatever reason is going through some dramatic changes in her life. You have to decided what you want first. Start taking the steps towards those goals. Just starting will give you confidence. Once you have a plan of action, you will start to feel better about yourself and the kids. Especially for the kids, they can see through a lot of this and I'm sure it is a very uncomfortable situation for them. From what you have written it seems like your wife is comfortable with the status quo, seeing her friend, you take care of the kids, the longer you allow this to go on, the less strenght you will have to deal with it. You have to realize that a separation is probably the first step. That leaves time for you and for your wife to figure out what to do next. And no matter what happens, if you two get back together down the line, you both will need time to be apart from each other first before you can make a go of the marriage again.
And if it works the other way, which is she stays with her friend, then you have to start on building a new life. The sooner you do it the better. You have to take the bull by the horns, take her out somewhere, where you will not be disturbed. Tell her that YOU HAVE DECIDED on what to do and then give her the options. Either she moves out and you will be supportive of her, especially with visiting rights with the kids, or you move out and she has to be supportive of you and your visiting rights. No matter what happens next, both of you will need time apart. You could try a marriage counselor, but I think with everything that has been going on, you need some space between the two of you to get a better perspective on the situation. Even if you still love her, you have to see for yourself, that she is/has been putting you down for a while now, the longer you allow this to go on, the more difficult it will be for you to stop this behaviour. You have to show her that you still have your balls so to speak and make decisions. Take a piece of paper and sit down and write out the different scenarios and the steps that have to be taken to achieve the end. Look at the logistics, work, school, the house, the budget and how it would work out. Look into the fact that you might have to move out, (its not the end of the world). Right now it sounds like the most desirable would be for her to find herself an apartment and let her have as much freedom as possible with the kids. If you give her the assurance that you will help her, she might find this very agreeable. It would allow her to sort out her feelings, give her the independence, she seems to be seeking right now, but still be attached to the family. Ofcourse, its always easier to give advice than to folllow through, and I'm talking about myself. Discovering this forum and reading about other people's dilemas has given me a chance to understand my own problems and hopefully learning from others, I will be able to deal with my own.
I wish you the best of luck, keep your chin up.