Posted by Confused Woman on April 23, 1999 at 11:07:10:
In Reply to: Re: My comments posted by Jen on April 22, 1999 at 18:28:34:
: I KNOW controlling parents....but...
: 1. How old are you...Why are you acting like you are over the hill? -- I'M 32 AND I PROBABLY SOUND LIKE I'M OVER THE HILL BECAUSE THIS IS MY THIRD MARRIAGE/DIVORCE. FIRST ONE WAS AT 18 (ABUSIVE), 2ND ONE I ADORED BUT HE CHEATED & KICKED ME OUT WHILE PREGNANT, & THEN THIS ONE I THOUGHT WAS GOING TO BE IT.
: 2. Ask yourself this question? Why in the first place did you divorce him? (Divorce is a horrible process.) -- LET'S SEE...I DIVORCED HIM BECAUSE I HAD LIVED WITH HIM FOR 3 MONTHS AND DISCOVERED ALL THESE IRRITATING HABITS THAT I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT WHEN WE WERE DATING BECAUSE HE LIVED 3 HOURS AWAY WHILE DATING, SO WE DIDN'T SEE TOO MUCH OF EACH OTHER. I KNOW EVERYONE HAS IRRITATING HABITS, BUT WE HAD BOTH BEEN ON OUR OWN AND INDEPENDENT FOR SO LONG THAT WE DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO REACT. AND ALSO I HAD SO MUCH PRESSURE FROM MY MOM STICKING HER NOSE IN, TELLING ME SHE HATED HIM, WANTING ME TO MOVE OUT. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD HER I APPRECIATE HER CONCERN BUT I'M LIVING MY OWN LIFE. I'VE TRIED TO TELL HER STUFF LIKE THAT BUT IT MAKES HER MAD BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO BE #1 IN MY LIFE, CONTROL ME, CONTROL MY DAD & BROTHER. SHE'LL HATE ANY MAN I GET INVOLVED WITH WHETHER IT'S THIS EX OR A NEW GUY.
: 3. Are you doing it to GET BACK at you Mother... NO, I'M NOT DOING IT TO GET BACK AT HER. SHE ENTERED INTO THE PICTURE AS I STARTED TO LIST MY ISSUES AND LOOK IT OVER TO ANALYZE MYSELF. I REALIZED THAT ALL MY LIFE I'VE BEEN SO CONCERNED ABOUT HAVING HER ACCEPTANCE EVEN THOUGH I'M MISERABLE WHEN I HAVE IT. AND I LOOKED BACK AND REALIZED SHE PUSHED SO HARD FOR ME TO GET OUT OF THIS MARRIAGE. SO HARD, IN FACT, THAT I FEEL BAD ABOUT HOW I LEFT HIM. I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO HIM AND SAID WE NEED TO SEE IF WE CAN WORK THIS OUT, COUNSELING, WHATVER. BUT I CAVED IN AND EVEN ALLOWED MY MOM TO CALL THE MOVERS! I'M SUCH A WIMP. SO, THE ANSWER IS NO, IT'S NOT TO GET BACK AT HER. BUT I AM SITTING HERE THINKING "OH MY GOSH--IF SHE FINDS OUT I'LL BE GROUNDED." KIND OF A FAMILY JOKE. I'M 32 AND BROTHER IS 41 YET WE ALWAYS SAY "DON'T DO THAT, MOM WILL FIND OUT AND YOU'LL BE GROUNDED!" TRYING TO HAVE SENSE OF HUMOR IN OUR DYSFUNCTION.
: 4. Finally, do you REALLY LOVE THIS PERSON! -- GEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I REALLY LOVE HIM OR NOT. THERE IS DEFINITELY STILL A FRIENDSHIP THERE, WHICH I'VE NEVER HAD WITH ANY OF MY EX'S. I DON'T LOOK AT HIM AND FEEL LIKE A LUSTY TEENAGER, BUT TRUTHFULLY I DON'T LOOK AT ANY MAN AND FEEL THAT WAY. I DON'T LOOK AT MEN & THINK HE LOOKS NICE OR SEXY OR I'D LIKE TO GO OUT WITH HIM--I LOOK AT MEN AND REMEMBER THE TROUBLE AND PAIN THEY CAN CAUSE. HMMM. JUST A PERSONAL PROBLEM. I GUESS IF I WENT OUT WITH HIM BIT MORE I COULD DETERMINE IF I LOVED HIM OR NOT. BUT IS IT OK TO HAVE A LOVE THAT IS A COMFY FRIENDSHIP RATHER THAN A LUSTFUL CRAVING? I TRULY DON'T THINK I'LL EVER FEEL THAT LUSTY, HUNGER, MUST HAVE HIM OR I'LL DIE KIND OF LOVE AGAIN LIKE I HAD WITH THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.
: Before you respond YOU MUST answer all these questions...honestly. -- THERE. I ANSWERED HONESTLY. I SPENT THE EVENING LAST NIGHT JOURNALING THIS TO TRY TO SORT THROUGH MY FEELINGS. I CAN SEE MYSELF WITH THIS MAN AND I CAN SEE MYSELF WITHOUT HIM. I CAN SEE MYSELF ALL ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, BUT I CAN'T SEE MYSELF OUT THERE DATING AROUND BECAUSE I HATE IT AND WAS NEVER GOOD AT IT. MAYBE THAT MEANS I SHOULD JUST GO AND HAVE FUN AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS, NO COMMITMENT, NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
I THINK MY MAIN PROBLEM IS WORRYING ABOUT BEING DISOWNED FROM MY MOM, AND THE STRESS HER BEING MAD AT ME WOULD CAUSE MY DAD. AFTER ALL HE HAS TO LIVE WITH HER EVERY DAY. AND WHEN SHE'S MAD SHE MAKES LIFE HELL.
I'M ALSO THINKING "HOW WOULD PEOPLE REACT" IF I REMARRY HIM? BUT I GUESS I'M NOT TOO CONCERNED ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE'S REACTIONS SINCE I CONTINUE TO MARRY AND DIVORCE AND FIGURE IF SOMEONE HAS A PROBLEM WITH IT IT'S THEIR PROBLEM NOT MINE. IF I WANT TO BE WITH THIS PERSON OR ANY OTHER PERSON IT'S MY BUSINESS AND NO ONE ELSE'S.
TRUTHFULLY, I FEEL I DIDN'T GIVE THIS GUY A CHANCE. I HANDLED THE BREAK UP IN AN IMMATURE WAY. MAYBE I SHOULD DATE HIM AND IF IT GETS SERIOUS, HAVE MARRIAGE COUNSELING BEFOREHAND.
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: I will comment later! Please think about it!
THANKS FOR THE QUESTIONS AND ANY COMMENTS. I APPRECIATE YOUR MAKING ME THING THIS THROUGH!