by Elayne B. Kesselman, Esq.

What happens if my spouse does not pay me the support I am entitled to receive? Some jurisdictions have relatively simple means of garnishing part of a spouse's wages so that the spouse's employer pays the wages to you, and you do not have to chase your "ex" for support. In jurisdictions where such means are not available, your lawyer may have to return to court and make a motion for a money judgment for the sums owed. What if the judge awards me a money judgment but my "ex" has hidden all his assets? There are former spouses who will stop at nothing to cease paying support. They will transfer assets into their new spouse's name, they will claim poverty if self-employed or they will work "under the table" if they can do so. Such individuals at the same time usually profess a willing to "go to the ends of the earth" for their children. These former spouses do not view money as going from them to their children, but to you, the enemy. While Federal laws now exist to crack down on "deadbeats," and state laws exist as well, the reality is that it is not easy to collect. Some spouses will simply stop working rather than pay. Of course, there are those former spouses who have truly entered times of economic hardship. With these spouses, negotiations between attorneys or a temporary, reduced payment plan may get more results than a lengthy court battle. You mean I could go through the whole divorce and not collect any money? When you were married there was no guarantee your spouse would provide for you, and the status of divorce does not magically change things. If your spouse was a "deadbeat" throughout the marriage, it is unrealistic to think he or she will change after a divorce. Consider his or her economic history carefully before you spend your much-needed money on legal fees to chase a person who might not pay you the sums to which you are entitled. You mean I should just let him get away with it? Not necessarily. Be realistic, consult your attorney, and think twice about spending large sums of money trying to collect smaller sums. Although the issues are highly emotional, they should be decided based on financial considerations. Can I keep the kids from seeing him if he does not pay support? The answer depends on the jurdisdiction in which you live and the judge assigned to your case. Always consult an attorney before unilaterally taking that step, which, in some jurisdictions, can cause you to lose custody. Consider, too, the impact on your children. While the issue is highly emotional and financial, children should never be used as "pawns" in a case. She never shows up on time to get the kids. What can I do? Unfortunately, this kind of behavior affects your children as much as you, because they are often dressed to go, waiting by the door as the minutes tick into hours. An occasional, unavoidable lateness is one thing, but if it continues, consult your attorney. (Always keep a record of the date and extent of the tardiness). If you no longer have an attorney, communicate with your former spouse, in writing if you no longer speak, note the late times, and tell your former spouse that after a set amount of time (add one hour to the reasonable amount of time it should take her to get to your home), the visit will be canceled. Explain to your children what you are doing. One caveat. If the lateness does not affect you or your plans, and your children seem to be "okay" with it, then you might want to let it slide. Most people, however, do make plans when their children will be with their former spouse and need a measure of certainty about visitation. When I arrive at the house to get the kids, they're not there. What should I do? This is a serious problem if it happens more than once, even if it is "inadvertent." Keep a record of when this happens, and if you still have a lawyer, consult with her at once. If you do not have a lawyer and cannot afford one, find out from your local Family Court whether the matter can be brought there. In extreme cases, the only relief may be to ask the court to change custody from your former spouse to you. The children keep coming back from their father's house with less clothing than they brought. What can I do? Ask your former spouse, in writing if necessary, to provide the children with their own weekend clothing. Notify him that you are no longer going to send clothing with the children. Your former spouse may grumble, particularly if he is paying child support, which he wants you to use for clothing, but if the children come with no extra clothing, chances are strong the noncustodial parent will provide clothing. Your children may come back in the same clothing they wore when they left, because your "ex" does not want them losing the clothes he bought them. My children refuse to visit their father. What can I do? Very young children may refuse to visit because they are not old enough to keep the image of their primary attachment figure in their mind. This makes them anxious, and there may be a need for an adjustment in the visitation schedule. Older children may have reached a stage in their lives when they don't want to spend time with you, let alone travel to see a parent every other weekend. Unfortunately, the inconvenience is one of the tolls of divorce. Suggest to your children that they tell their father what activities they would like to do while they are with him. Depending on their ages, encourage them to ask him if friends can sleep over. After all, the noncustodial parent usually wants to participate in his children's lives, and meeting their friends, taking them to activities, can be part of that. In some instances, though, that won't work. There may be an event (a sleep over party, for example) which the child simply cannot attend and, at the same time, see her father. In that instance, tell the child she needs to speak directly to her father about the problem, and that you have no problem with her changing the visitation schedule if it is okay with her dad. Some children will want you to be the mediator--but resist. If you step in, your former spouse will believe it is you who wishes to change the weekend, not the child. I'm not the custodial parent, and I never get any school notices. What can I do? Contact the school, in writing, and ask that copies of all reports be sent to you. If the school requires the written permission of the custodial parent, obtain that--through your lawyer if you still have one--or directly through the former spouse. If she refuses to give you such permission, and you do not want to incur the expense of a lawyer, ask your children, if they are old enough, to make you copies of all report cards and the like. My former wife has custody of the children, but now they want to live with me. What should I do? First, think hard about whether this is your wish projected onto the children or is coming from the children. Also, try to determine if the reason the children want to leave is not simply because your parenting style is more lenient than your ex-spouse's, or some other inappropriate reason. In general, as long as there is no compelling reason for a change in residential custody, it is best for the children to have the stability of remaining in the home in which they grew up. Before any litigation is started, consult a child psychologist to make sure you are doing what is in your children's best interests. If the child psychologist agrees that a change in custody is warranted and you want custody of your children, speak to your lawyer. (The issue of a change in custody is so volatile that it is unlikely you can resolve it without a lawyer, but if you and your former spouse have a working relationship, you may want to raise it with her before you get involved with attorneys.) If negotiations fail, you should decide whether you want to spend possibly thousands of dollars on the issue. Your attorney can give you an estimate of your chances of success (based on previously decided cases, though there are no guarantees), the cost involved and how long it would take for a change in custody case to be decided. It may very well be that the children are too close to college age to make the court proceedings worth while. My former spouse remarried, and now she wants to move across the country. I see my children every week. What can I do? The problem of relocation is growing as divorced individuals remarry and once secure jobs disappear. Unless you and your former spouse can work this out (either by agreeing to a change of custody, or a different visitation schedule), you must consult a lawyer. He can tell you the trend in your jurisdiction (whether courts are allowing relocation with the children and for what reasons), your chances of success, and how costly the matter might be. In addition, a lawyer is usually in a better position to negotiate a new visitation arrangement than you might be. In general, the more faithfully you exercised your visitation rights, and the less pressing the "need" to move, the better your chances that the court will not let your former spouse move with the children. However, this area, at least in some states, is in a constant state of flux, and the rules seem to change frequently. It seems to me that my former wife is spending all the child support I give her on herself and her boy friend. I have to buy the kids their clothing. What can I do? First determine that your belief is actually the situation and that you are not just a little bit jealous that your former wife has a new boyfriend. If you are correct, there is still little to be done, other than to stop buying the children's clothing, and thereby forcing your spouse to do that. If the conduct of your former spouse is truly detrimental to the children, you should speak to a lawyer about a change in custody. What is involved in getting custody changed? A change in custody can be as expensive as a full-blown action for divorce. Depending on the state in which you should reside, you may have the burden of showing that your children should no longer reside with their other parent. Because courts generally believe that stability is in the child's best interests, and "best interest" is the test for what is good for the children, it is usually difficult to win a change in custody suit. If you can demonstrate that the parent is truly unfit, ignores the children, leaves them alone, that there is abuse or drug use, that the children have run away, that the children want to live with you, your chances of success will be greater.