If you have gone through the vicissitudes of divorce, you have probably lived a little. Although many new divorcés have not been married that long, others have gone through decades with a single partner. We don't want to "'date"' our readers, but we know for a fact that some entered marriage when Elvis was in his prime, when a black and white TV was a luxury, or when the sexual revolution of the 60s was in vogue. Whatever your era, if you have been married for more than a decade, take it from us, times have changed.

Cyberspace

The Internet has forever changed the way people communicate, and to some degree, the way they get to know each other or even meet. You must be extraordinarily cautious when meeting strangers in Internet chat rooms and on bulletin boards. That said, we know a number of people who have met close friends and future spouses online.

Without the usual physical factors that can cut short a potentially viable relationship or lead to a series of shallow, physical couplings, the Internet allows people to get to know the person inside the packaging--for better or worse.

There are many guides to cyberspace, and we suggest you get one. We also have a few specific recommendations: We do not necessarily recommend that you inhabit the many chat rooms intended specifically for singles on romance sites. These can be worse than the proverbial snake pit, with predators galore. But you might find luck by visiting sites that reflect your interests such as the environment, world politics, investing, or science fiction. The give and take in these chat rooms work just like a course in the real world. As you pursue an interest, you just might find someone worth knowing well.

IMPORTANT: If you meet a complete stranger online, you must be cautious in the extreme. Stories of psychopaths preying on the innocent are for real. This should not discourage you from meeting potential partners in cyberspace, but if you do not know a new date through family, friends, or the office, always start by meeting in a public place. Never give out your address until you feel totally secure.

Finally, even if you meet your new love interest in the real (non-virtual) world, he or she will want to send you jokes and tender thoughts through email. If you are hoping to nurture a romance in the new millennium and you lack an Internet account and email address, you might want to get one now. You can get one right here at Divorce Central. Divorce Central can give you a box number that will enable you to get your email anonymously if you join our community. After you join the community, email pam@divorcecentral.com to get your anonymous box. (After you set up an account, we also recommend going to Yahoo or HotMail for an extra, anonymous email address so that you can feel people out before you provide more personal information--such as your real email address or your phone number.)

My Name is Woman

These days, it's okay for a woman to call a man, ask him out, or even pick up the check. She can do all these things without being labeled aggressive.

Some men are delighted when a women approaches them, yet others--especially those from older generations--might feel their masculinity is threatened. Attention, women: Test the waters ever so gently, and keep your antennae up for any signs of discomfort coming your way. Hey, guys[el]enjoy!

The perennial question: When on a date, who pays? For those re-entering the dating scene after decades of marriage, the answer is confusing and unclear. Let us help: Nowadays, most people split expenses, at least in the beginning. After a certain comfort level has been achieved, a more relaxed give-and-take is appropriate. If there is a great disparity in income, bills can be weighted more towards the moneyed person.

The Reality of AIDS

The threat of sexually transmitted diseases such as herpes and gonorrhea have been around for most of recorded history, but it is only in the last decade and a half that we have been faced with the killer, AIDS. As a result, in a throwback to the "apple pie" age of the 1950s, dating couples do not expect to jump into bed after one or two dates. Instead, it is not uncommon for men and women to openly ask about other sexual partners, to insist upon safe sex, and even to request that a potential lover take an AIDS test. If someone asks about your sexual history, do not take offense. It's not personal, just prudent. It's a good sign that the person is responsible.

Don't Feel Desperate About Being Alone

If you've been out there too long, you might start to feel a sense of desperation. Keep those feelings under control and never reveal them to potential dates. Only you know you're desperate to find a new companion. You do not need to alert the media.

Sometimes, a sense of desperation can cause you to compromise your standards or consider inappropriate prospects. You must resist the temptation to enter a bad or inappropriate relationship just because you do not want to be alone. Next week or next month, the right person might be standing in front of you at the local Starbucks, but you won't meet that soul mate because you have tied yourself up with someone you will never love.

Remember, another bad marriage and another divorce will be overload. Keep your cool and make sure you're on the right track before forging ahead. To help you stay focused, we present the following dating tips:

1. Learn about your date's personal history. This might seem obvious, but besides asking what schools, jobs, and careers they've had or whether they have kids, be a sleuth and determine his or her relationship patterns: Are they serial and unsuccessful or enduring? One caveat--people do grow and mature; it is possible that a person who was not ready for commitment has now reached a new stage in life, so don't necessarily rule him or her out. Do make an effort to learn your date's values. Even casual conversation can tip you off about someone's attitudes on extra-marital affairs, for instance.
   
2. Ask about friendships apart from romantic relationships. People who have lifelong friends are usually solid and can form lasting romantic relationships as well. Those who can't even keep a buddy are not promising companions.
   
3. Trust your instincts. If something your date has said in a conversation over dinner bothers you, pay attention to your feelings of discomfort. Don't push them under the rug. Down the road, you'll be tripped up by the very characteristics that you buried in your enthusiasm to have someone in your life.
   
4. Compare attitudes toward children. If you have children, and your date doesn't, a well-intentioned beginning can turn sour once the reality of your having kids hits home. If you don't have children, but children are part of your life plan, make sure the goal is mutual.
   
5. Don't get physical too soon (unless that's all you want). We are not prudes, just cynics. Once the juices start flowing, it's easy to miss signs of incompatibility or personality flaws that would have emerged through spending time together.
   
6. If the relationship is not moving forward, cut your losses and move on. Life is short, and there are other fish in the sea.
   
7. Do whatever you can to take your romantic focus off your ex. Many people are able to experience deep romantic attachment--called libido in the days of Freud--for just one person at a time. If you're stuck on someone--your ex, for example, or your current date[md]but it's not reciprocal, you might have trouble mustering attraction for anyone else. If a dead-end relationship is preventing your libido from reaching an appropriate target, do all you can to eliminate the distraction.
   
8. Chemistry is not just for scientists. You'll know whether the chemistry between the two of you is there. If there is no chemistry, chances are the relationship won't work. We're not talking about physical attraction here (although that is important, too), but rather, emotional attraction. Are you on the same wavelength? Are you simpatico and able to empathize and relate? Don't confuse neediness for a relationship with love.
   
9. Go with the flow. If you find yourselves eager to telephone or email each other between rendezvous, you may be well on your way to a more serious relationship. If the signs are right, go for it! Your quest for true love may be at an end.
   

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