You've spent about six months reestablishing your sense of self and another three months "doing lunch" with a series of prospects. Now, about a year after your divorce, you have met a person who really interests you. You are ready to focus in. But you are concerned that your judgment is not very good when it comes to the opposite sex.

Here are some things to consider when you think things can get more serious with your new friend. Here's how to avoid making the same mistake twice.

Following your divorce, make sure that you take some time to redefine yourself and reevaluate your life.

Accept responsibility for your divorce. Before you move into another relationship, make sure that you own up to the role you played in the demise of your marriage.

Remember, it's easier to feel initial attraction than to stick it out through thick and thin. If a relationship is going to work, you must be able to solve some of life's problems together. You must also have respect and admiration for the other person. If the relationship is not headed in that direction, you might be making a poor choice.

Stay attuned to the warning signs of trouble. If a person seems abusive, overly neurotic, or in any way unstable, believe us, they are. Don't give this individual another chance, vow to change them, or see how it goes. You've already had one failed marriage. This time, quit while you're ahead.

Thought You Never Could: Trusting Again

"Once burned, twice shy," so the saying goes. After the one person with whom you have shared your most intimate moments, thoughts, and feelings now looks at you with cold, hard eyes as if those moments never existed, you are being asked by friends and family to trust again. "But how?" you think. "How can I even trust myself to choose someone who will not walk out on me again? How can I let down my defenses and take another risk when I am most vulnerable?"

We are not saying that trust will be easy, especially if you were the unfortunate victim of an extramarital affair. But no matter why you were divorced, here are some suggestions and thoughts that might help you trust again:

• Reflect for quite a while on any repeated patterns of negative relationships you have had.
• Take responsibility for your own part in the death of your marriage.
• When you meet someone you like, give that person a chance to show who they really are.
• It's okay to hold on to some defenses until you are entirely comfortable with the new person.
• Give yourself enough time to mourn the loss of your marriage and enough breathing space to heal. After you get to know yourself without your mate, you will feel rejuvenated and will be willing to take some small risks again.

In time, if you are able to let go of the pain and put it into a larger perspective--a world where trusting relationships can exist--you will be able to trust again. Why shouldn't you be among the people holding hands walking down the street? It is not as impossible as it might seem to you today.

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