Children whose parents are divorced will, more likely than not, be living in both of their parents' homes. Sometimes, one or both parents will remarry. They might marry someone who already has children. They might have another child with their new partner. For children, the impact of parents divided and remarried with new families is profound. At a minimum, the situation takes a lot of adjusting.

Children will be dealing with more than the usual number of authority figures, different lifestyles, different rules, and different personalities.

In the best of all worlds, the two families will be supportive and nurturing to the children, opening up new vistas of experience, providing more interaction, and adding significant people to the children's lives.

No matter how well-intentioned everyone is, there are some dos and don'ts that can help the process of adjustment and integration.


The House on the Riviera and the Penthouse on Fifth?
It's Not Exactly Easy Street When Children Have Two Homes

Children handle life better when they are faced with predictable situations and environments, although occasional disruptions are tolerated, and some stress is actually beneficial for children. Your children have been through, or are about to go through, a severe disruption in their lives-your divorce and the division of their family. Now they need a period of calm and time to adjust to their new family rearrangement.

The goal is for the children to feel at home and comfortable whether they are with their mom or dad. The parent who moved out of the marital home should do everything possible to create another home for the children. Everyone needs his or her own space. A room of the children's own decorated with their input will give them a sense of home. Even if you can't afford an extra room, an area carved out from your one-room apartment will do.

Jack went to his local Home Depot after he moved out of the house in anticipation of his kids' first time at his new apartment. He bought three blue cardboard dressers that worked just fine for temporary furniture for his kids. He bought Winnie-the-Pooh wall stickers for Jeremy and Mickey Mouse wall stickers for Katie. He had already purchased bunk beds that would go in the room where they would sleep. A round night table and lamps to match the stickers were the finishing touch. Jack was handy, so he built shelves for books and toys. When the kids came over for the first time, they were thrilled to see their favorite characters on the walls. They all baked cookies together after dinner. After a call to their Mom, Jack read them stories and put them to bed.


Learning to Accept a Parent's New Spouse

What if, after you are divorced, you plan to marry someone who already has children? In this case, your children have to accept the fact that you and your ex-spouse will never be reunited, that you have a new spouse, and that they will have new stepbrothers or stepsisters. That is a lot to digest! So go slowly and proceed with caution.

Phasing in are the key words here. As mentioned in Chapter 9, "Single Parenting," your children should not be introduced to your new partner until you have made a commitment. Assuming that you have decided to remarry, it is now time to introduce your children to your prospective spouse.

Going to a neutral place, like the movies, a restaurant, the playground, or an amusement park, might be the best way to ease into this difficult introduction. Telling your kids this person, whom they have never met, is going to be their stepparent is moving too fast. Let your kids gradually get to know your new partner over a period of time. When it feels right, open up a discussion. Your kids may even initiate the discussion.

Don't expect them to welcome this new presence with open arms. All is not lost if their reaction continues to be negative for quite a while. Accepting your new partner will take time. The more relaxed you are about it, the easier it will be for your kids to adjust.

At some point after your children have gotten to know your new partner, the time will be right to introduce his or her children to your children. You and your new partner can be the judge.

If you are the custodial parent and you have married someone with children whose primary residence is with their other parent, you are now the stepparent to those children, and you and your children will be welcoming those children to your home. If you are the noncustodial parent, you will be helping your children adjust to your new home, a new stepparent, and new stepbrothers and stepsisters.


The Dynamics of the Stepfamily

There was a time when being part of a stepfamily set you apart. But according to Jeannette Lofas of the Stepfamily Foundation, that is no longer the case. Instead, the "new family" --consisting of divorced parents, their new partners, and their children-- make up some 70 percent of the population. Today, the stepfamily is the norm!

The statistics are jarring: Half of all children under age 13, or some 30 million youngsters, live with a biological parent and that parent's current significant other. These family systems, adds Lofas, fail at the rate of 66 percent.

How do these families work? "They cannot and will not function as an intact, or biologically connected, family," Lofas states. One reason is "the rejection of non-self tissue --rejection of non-blood. You are not my mother or father, yet you are where they should be, so I don't like you."

Another dynamic, she notes, includes the conflicting pulls of sex and blood. "In an intact family, the couple comes together and has the kid, and they are all going in the same direction. But in the step family, those who are sexually involved --the couple-- are torn between sex and blood. Who do I put first, my husband or my child?" As a result, she notes, "the perception is often that the children are pulling the relationship apart."

Finally, children feel a conflict of loyalties. "If I love you, my step-mother, I can't love my mom. Therefore, I do not like you."

In this complex picture, where ex-spouses bad-mouth each other and feelings of guilt are high, everyone feels like an ousider, because, Lofas explains, "no one knows what their role or position is. Just when you think you found your seat, someone else is sitting in it. For instance, a 15 year old girl may be used to sitting in the front seat of the car with Daddy, but when Daddy has a girlfriend, where should the girl sit? She will try to protect her territory."

But Lofas, who was born into a stepfamily and also married into a stepfamily, sees hope. She imparts some of her most valuable tips, below:

· Go slowly. Learn to partner with a new husband and wife through the creation of structure and discipline, and the accumulation of couple strength. For instance, when a man has parented alone, he may allow the kids to stay up late or order dinner in. The new wife may not feel these things are appropriate, but if she tries to change things, the stepchildren will simply ignore her. She can easily slip into the role of 'the bad guy,' even if she states her point of view as gently as possible.

· The stepfather or stepmother should not attempt to be parents to their stepchildren, even if the biological parent has died. Nor should they assume the role of friend. Instead, they should be seen as male or female head of household, and a partner to the biological parent.

· The stepparent must not discipline on his or her own without the support of the biological parent. To do so always creates dissention, rendering the stepparent "the bad guy" in a flash.

· Stepparents should attempt to bond with stepchildren by filling in where the biological parent cannot. For instance, a stepfather might play one-on-one basketball with a stepson or take stepchildren to see Star Wars or The Karate Kid --these are activities one can share without filling the parental role.

· Be on the lookout for sexual come-ons from stepchildren. Biological parents must stop any overtures they witness on the part of their children, and step parents must be sure to do the same.


How to Make Your Children Feel Welcome in Your New Family

1. Be sensitive to your children's feelings about your having a new partner. To understand how your children might feel, imagine this: One night, you had a terrible nightmare. You were back at age 12, and you visited your parents' bedroom and poked your mother. Your dad was snoring loudly beside her. When she awoke and sat up in bed, you discovered it was not your mother at all, but a woman you had never seen before. You were frightened. Who was this woman? Where was your own mother? You woke up from your dream with your heart pounding. The feelings you would have in our scenario will be close to the real feelings children with new stepparents will have until they have completely adjusted to their parents being with a different partner. This scenario will be less harsh if you or your spouse have taken a good deal of time introducing your new partner to your children.

2. If your children feel that their importance to you has been overshadowed by your new family, reassure them that their relationship with you is special and that nothing and no one can replace them. Tell them that they're number one with you. The capacity for your children to build future relationships depends on how you treat them and deal with them now. This is not true for your new spouse. He or she is an adult and should understand that the needs of your children come first.

3. The relationship between your children and their stepparent must grow naturally. Expecting too much, too soon is bound to ruffle feathers. Over time, with patience, understanding, and being there for the children without being pushy, a relationship will grow and take its own course.

In the incisive story, Another Cinderella, writer Norman Stiles creates a fractured fairy tale. Here, Cinderella lives with a good stepmother and great stepsiblings. They can't do enough for her. They don't let her lift a finger around the house, and they even do her homework for her. Her stepmother buys her a beautiful gown and glass slippers for the Prince's ball and rents her a coach and white steeds and two coachmen to boot. (She was called "Cinderella" because she watched her stepfamily clean the cinders from the fireplace.) But with all this support and care, no matter what her stepfamily did for Cinderella, they could not stop her from crying. She cried day and night. Finally, Cinderella's Fairy Godmother appeared with her magic wand. She turned all the beautiful things Cinderella had into ordinary things, including her gown and her glass slippers. She turned the coach into a pumpkin and the coachmen into mice. Cinderella's stepfamily didn't understand why the Fairy Godmother was undoing all the beautiful things they had provided. The Fairy Godmother then helped Cinderella's stepmother make a list of things Cinderella had to do to get her things back. Cinderella had to complete the entire list to go to the Prince's ball. Cinderella agreed, and, as she completed the list of chores, including her book report for school, she felt better and better until she felt so good about herself she stopped crying. She accomplished all her tasks, and, as promised, the Fairy Godmother restored all her beautiful things so she could go to the ball. To make a long story short, she ended up with the Prince.

The moral for stepparents: Don't go to the other extreme. Your stepchildren will, just like all children, reap more benefits from gaining self-esteem through their own accomplishments.


Shifting Sands: Different Homes, Different Rules

When you and your spouse were living together with your children, you each might have had your own parenting styles. You might have run your household like a tight ship. Every meal had to be at the same time. Each child had to be responsible for cleaning up his space. Hands had to be washed before each meal. Teeth had to be brushed after every meal. Bedtime was the same time every night. Your spouse, on the other hand, might have been more laid back. When you weren't around, meals could be whenever someone was hungry. Neatness was not especially important. Who cares if you're dirty? It's okay to fall asleep in front of the TV.

The children adapted to their parents' temperament and parenting styles and knew what to expect from each. When the whole family was together, one or the other parent would tend to dominate. Or maybe this was one of the areas of contention that led to your divorce. Whatever the situation, now that you and your spouse have separate homes, each parent has the opportunity to run the ship any way he or she wants.

Your children will still be familiar with your respective parenting styles, but going from hot water to cold where discipline is concerned adds to the problem of adjusting to commuting from one home to the other. If you and your ex-spouse are not antagonistic, children will adapt and know what to expect. If you and your ex-spouse complain about each other's parenting style, on the other hand, your children will be caught in the middle of the conflict.

To help your children handle the different rules and styles in each home:

*Don't expect your ex-spouse to maintain your rules in his or her home. Explain to your children that every home or public place has its own rules. Those rules may differ from one place to the other, but they still must be respected. If they go to Grandma's house, they might not be allowed to put their shoes on the couch. At your house, on the other hand, your sofa has so many stains it doesn't matter.

*Don't expect your ex-spouse to carry out the punishment you administered two days before your kids left to be with him or her. Maybe the kids were throwing balls in the house and your favorite glass lamp broke. They broke your household rule about not throwing balls in the house. You told them "no candy, cookies, or ice cream for a week." Now, they're at Dad's. Dad should not be expected to dock them from sweets. When they are back with you, your punishment can continue.

*Bedtimes that maintain the children's schedules are important for their health. If you are the noncustodial parent, this is the one area that, if at all possible, you should try to honor across households. It's one thing to have different expectations for behavior and another thing to force the body into different sleep patterns.

*Television time can also be treated differently at each home. The amount of time your kids spend in front of the TV should be decided by each parent for their own home. Don't fall prey to the kids pleading "Mom lets us watch three shows a night!" If you want to spend time with your kids, by all means, turn off the tube!

How Stepparents See It

Judy, a 48-year-old social worker who had never been married, was introduced to Arthur, a 55-year-old divorced man who was the owner of a clothing manufacturing company. He had two adult children-Alice, 22, and Michael, 25. Arthur was still very close to his children even though they were grown. His children enjoyed their time with their father. They would see him every other weekend for dinner and enjoy summer vacations with him at his lake house.

Judy and Arthur were getting along very well and quickly became serious about their relationship. Alice sensed this, and began to develop resentful feelings towards Judy for the attention Judy was getting from her father. Alice became "clingy," for a 22-year-old. She asked her father if she could stay in his apartment on some weekends. It was hard for Arthur to say "No." After a few months, Arthur asked Judy to move in with him. She agreed.

Judy found life with her new companion more complicated than she had anticipated. Alice made frequent visits to her father's home while Judy was there. Judy was uncomfortable occupying the same space as Alice in Arthur's apartment, and more often than not, felt as if she and Alice were competing for his attention and time.

Both Arthur and Judy have to preserve the integrity and growth of their relationship while still understanding Alice's feelings. It is up to Arthur-not Judy-to set the boundaries for his daughter. Although Alice is also an adult, she is still Arthur's child and is in a parent/child relationship. But, because she is an adult, she should be able to understand more readily than a child that her parent is entitled to make decisions for his own life. Judy is in an intimate adult relationship with Arthur. She is not Alice's parent. But, because she is an older adult, she will have to be patient while Alice adjusts to her father's new relationship.

Judy's frustration and anger are real. They are not uncommon for new stepparents. Open communication between the new couple and between parent and child is the best way to navigate these rough waters. The stepparent will have to take a back seat temporarily.


Half-Siblings, Stepsiblings, and the New Baby

It is no longer unusual for children of divorce to have many new relations when their parents remarry. Although getting used to being part of a "blended family" is not easy, there are many positives. If parents have the right attitude, and sibling and stepsibling rivalries are worked out, having additional close relationships can be enriching to your children.

Half-siblings, where one parent is the biological parent of children living in each home, have closer ties than stepsiblings, where the children are not biologically related. That doesn't mean that the stepsiblings can't develop close relationships with your children. Age, sex, and temperament have a lot to do with the way the new family interacts.

There are some specific issues that come up with half-siblings and stepsiblings in a blended family:

*Jealousy over parents: Whose dad/mom is it, anyway?

*Sharing space-children's need for their own space and privacy. Whose home is it, anyway? Whose room is it, anyway? Whose drawers are they, anyway? Whose bathroom is it, anyway?

*Need for respect. Children's individuality should be respected. They should not be taken for granted, such as assuming older children will baby-sit for younger children. Children's wishes should be considered when making plans, and they should be told when plans are changed. Children should sense that you trust them.

*Sexuality between your older children and their older stepsiblings. Because stepsiblings arenot related biologically, sometimes issues of intimacy can arise for adolescents and teenagers.

*A new baby. Children in a stepfamily often are challenged by the arrival of a new baby-the product of one of their parents and their stepparent. This can be met with excitement or jealousy, or both. The baby can be seen as eating up all their parent's time, a nuisance, and possibly an embarrassment if they think their parent is over the hill. Other children are able to enjoy the new baby and see themselves as the big brother or sister.

Each of these special issues can be handled with your careful thought.

Creating an atmosphere where communication is facilitated so that feelings don't get bottled up is key. Making sure that your children have the physical space, privacy, and respect they need to feel comfortable and secure will prevent problems before they develop.