If you have children and you haven't yet told them about your intention to separate or divorce, this is the moment you're probably dreading. How can you break the news to your unsuspecting children, who look to their parents for love and security? What will go through their minds as you begin your discussion with them? How can you ease their fears while being realistic about the enormous changes about to occur?

No matter how old your children are, they must be told of the impending separation as soon as possible. Even a toddler can understand, if spoken to at his or her level. It is far more injurious to wake up one day with Mommy or Daddy gone than to be told in advance--preferably by both parents together--that one of you is moving out.

When Should You Yell Your Children?

As soon as you and your spouse have made the decision to separate, it's time to tell your children. Telling your children sooner rather than later will ensure that they don't hear the news from another source or overhear you talking to someone about this disturbing news. Deception can promote fantasies about what is really going on, fears of abandonment, wonder about whether they will ever see their departing parent again, and a lack of understanding of the new realities they are about to face. If your children suspect information is being held back, a breach of trust might develop, becoming difficult, if not impossible, to repair.

How and What Should You Tell Your Children?

Setting the stage for open, honest communication with your children is your most important job. Ideally, both parents should be present when your children are told. Presenting a united front will help your kids by easing their fears of abandonment and will reduce a loyalty conflict: It's all Mom's fault; Dad is the innocent victim.

If you have more than one child, gather them together for a family meeting to break the news. Let the children know that both of you are available to talk to each of them individually or together again after the meeting. Having all the children together will give each child support from his or her siblings. Be prepared for an avalanche of questions regarding the logistics of the divorce, custody and visitation. Even money may be of concern to the children.

Remember, It can be emotionally disastrous to withhold the news from your children. "I never heard my parents fight, so I was shocked when my father called me into his room to tell me he and Mom were separating," says Jeremy, age 12. "It took a long time for it to sink in. I wish they had let me know sooner. I feel like they've been lying to me."

The Family Meeting: What to Say

As always, your aim is to be open and honest with your children. That doesn't mean you have to go into all the gory details, but children who are told nothing about the reasons for their parents' divorce are unnecessarily frustrated and have a more difficult time working things through.

Some children, especially older ones, may not be particularly surprised. Alicia, a 13-year-old, recently had this to say: "My parents had been cold to each other for a long time. Sometimes they would scream at each other, and all I wanted to do was run away. It came as no surprise when they sat me down and told me they were getting a divorce."

For children who have not been exposed to fighting, a simple explanation will go a long way toward helping to digest the news. Depending on the age of your youngest child, say as much as possible about why the marriage is ending. When speaking to your children in a group, use language that even the youngest can understand.

Telling the children that you are going to divorce and why is the toughest part of the family meeting. But it is only the beginning. Because children are appropriately centered in their own world, they need to have precise and very concrete information about how their lives will change. By the end of the discussion with your kids, they should know:

1. As much as possible about the reasons for the divorce
2. When the separation will take place
3. Where the parent who is leaving will live
4. With which parent they will live
5. When and under what circumstances they will see their other parent
6. Whether they will be moving into a new house or apartment
7. That he or she will have open telephone communication with the parent who is leaving

Remember, Mom and Dad should tell their kids together. Each parent will cover one or two points and then give the other a turn. To see how it works, review the following, successful scenario below. (Of course, you should modify the specifics in accordance with your own, unique situation.)

Dad: As you may know, your Mom and I have not been getting along for a while now. Although we were once happy together, we've grown apart. We tried to work things out and have been seeing a marriage counselor for quite a while, but we've reached an impasse.

We think we'll be happier if we live separately, so we've decided to get a divorce. You have done nothing to cause us to divorce. It is not your fault. This is between your mother and me.

Mom: I'm sure you know that we both love you very much. Just because your Dad and I don't want to be together anymore doesn't mean that we don't want to be with you. Parents can divorce each other but can't and don't want to divorce their kids. We will be your Mom and Dad forever. We will always be there for you just as before. You will always be taken care of. You will always have a home. Each of us will be with you, but not at the same time.

Dad: I have rented an apartment a few blocks away, and I'll be moving there next Saturday. You will be living with your Mom and coming over to live with me every other weekend. We'll also get together once a week for dinner and homework help. We'll be sharing each holiday. I'll call you every night after school, and you can call me anytime. You'll have your own room at my apartment, and you can decorate it any way you want. (If the living arrangement is not yet settled, you can say "The details haven't been worked out yet, but we'll let you know as soon as they are.")

Mom: Your family will always be your family, even though Dad and I aren't going to be in the same house. Your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins will still be your grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you have any questions, you can ask them now, or you can talk to Dad or me later at any time. Remember, we'll always be there for you, and we love you very much.

If you and your spouse are in a heated battle, or if your spouse has left suddenly, a family meeting with both parents will probably not be possible. You may not know all the details of the living arrangements, but your children should be informed of whatever information you have, to give them a handle on the changes in their lives.

A word of warning: Don't bad-mouth your ex! Your children's relationship with their other parent is separate from yours. Respect their relationship.

Trying to be objective about the reasons for your divorce is especially hard if you've been left or if you are battling it out with your spouse. For the children's sake, you must rise to the occasion. Even though it may seem to you that there is an obvious good guy and bad guy--as in the case of the infidelity of one parent--the reality is almost never that clear cut.

For the purpose of telling your children, set aside your anger. Blaming one parent will only cause confusion. Because your children are emotionally attached to the other parent, they will feel conflicting loyalty. Not only will your child feel torn between his parents, but eventually, may react against you to defend his relationship with the other parent.

When 12-year-old Michelle was told by her mother that her Dad had moved out after a final blow-up the night before, Michelle was devastated. Her mother was so angry at her Dad that she blamed him for all the ills of her marriage: She had to do all the housework, even though she worked; he would come home late at night; they never went out because he was too "cheap"; and other complaints. At first, Michelle was sympathetic to her mother and understood her unhappiness. She felt angry at her Dad for not being more considerate of her mother's feelings. But after a week had passed, Michelle started to feel guilty for having bad thoughts about her father. She missed him. She began to wonder if her mother had told her the whole truth and even started developing feelings of resentment toward her mother; had her mother, she wondered, been instrumental in driving her father out of the house? The more her mother spoke against her father, the more difficult it was for Michelle to sustain a warm relationship with her mother.

Many children who have been living with intense fighting between parents welcome the peace that comes with divorce. After time has passed, these children grow to understand that their parents are happier living separately.

Finally, do make a list of all the positive things you can remember about your spouse. Read the list again and again before you begin your talk with your children.