No matter how "correctly" you explain things to your children, they will still experience a range of emotions including disbelief, fear, anger, rejection, and grief. The only thing worse for parents than seeing their children suffer is to be the cause of that suffering. And parents in the throes of divorce often find themselves in that situation.

As a parent, you are no doubt familiar with the difficult job of comforting your child during sickness, injury, insults by classmates, lost friendships or betrayals by friends, or embarrassing moments in class. It is impossible to shield your children from all the hurt that life brings. However, the breakup of a family and possibly the loss of one parent is surely one of the toughest hurdles for any child to overcome. This moment and the next year or two will test your emotional strength and your parenting skills to the limit. You think you're not up to the task? You are. You have no choice.

That doesn't mean you have to go it alone. Friends, family, psychologists, teachers, ministers and rabbis, your lawyer, and books are all there to help you manage this transition. Use whatever resources you need to acquire the knowledge and support necessary to help your children get through the initial shock, adjust to the changes about to begin, and adapt to their new way of living.

Dealing with Your Children's Fears

Children of divorce are usually most fearful of abandonment and loss of parental love. It is crucial, therefore, that you take every opportunity to reassure your children that their parents love them and will always be there for them. According to psychologist Mitchell Baris, Ph.D., "what differentiates a parent-child relationship from any other kind of relationship is loyalty. Mom will always be Mom, and Dad will always be Dad, and nobody else will ever replace them. Even if the parents remarry, even if they'll be living in two houses, or even if one parent will be living far away, Dad will always be Dad, and Mom will always be Mom." Let them know (assuming that one parent is not actually abandoning the family), that they will have a continuing relationship with both parents--even if, for the moment, you wish you would never see your spouse again! (If you have trouble saying things that you know are in the children's best interests but that stick in your throat, try viewing your spouse as their parent rather than your arch enemy. Put yourself in their shoes just for now.)

Dealing with Blame

Children are likely to blame one or both parents for the divorce. Sometimes, and of more psychological concern, is when children blame themselves. Reassure your children repeatedly that the separation has nothing to do with them. Assure them that, while parents can divorce each other, they cannot divorce their children--nor would they ever want to.

Dealing with Anger

Your children may not evidence or express anger until after the shock of the announcement has worn off. Anger, if not constructively channeled, can become destructive or self-destructive. Hidden feelings can fester and manifest in ways that seem unconnected to the separation.

Eric, for instance, had a close friend, Alex. They saw each other at school every day and often went over to each other's house after school. After Eric's parents announced their separation, he fought with Alex over everything. It seemed that Alex couldn't do anything right. Because Eric kept the news about his parents' divorce to himself, Alex stopped seeing Eric; he just didn't have a clue as to what was going wrong. Eric lost a best friend at a time he needed one the most.

To help your children work through this anger, make yourself available. Children need to know that their feelings count. Be "all ears," and listen attentively when your children want to talk. Answer questions as honestly as you can according to the child's age. The more they can express their feelings, the easier the adjustment will be.

Abandonment by a Parent

Legally, the term abandonment means the departure of one spouse from the marital home without the consent of the other spouse. In some states, this may constitute grounds for divorce.

What if, in the worst-case scenario, your spouse announces that he or she plans to abandon the family and have absolutely nothing to do with the children after the divorce.

If possible, it behooves you to convince your partner that the children need him or her in their lives, no matter what. Ironically, some parents abandon their children because they themselves lack self-esteem. They think their children would do better without them. If there is any way to prevent abandonment and to convince the parent who wants to leave that the children need them, that is the best way to reduce or eliminate the devastating effect of parental loss on the child.

What if, despite your urgings or completely to your surprise, your spouse actually just up and leaves? If this was a surprise to you, your own shock will make it monumentally more difficult to tell your children. You know, intuitively, that your children's self-esteem will be affected by your spouse's decision to cut them off. No matter how hard it is for you, it is far more damaging to your children because children don't have an adult's perspective on life or the inner resources to handle such extraordinary rejection and hurt. Your children might experience self-doubt, depression, and regression.

It is your job to pick up the pieces. If you are the parent who has remained, you must be there with all your love and support, making sure your children understand that there's nothing wrong with them. They are worthwhile and cherished by you. Instead, it is the parent who left who has the problems that must be worked through.

Remind your children that the flight of their other parent has nothing to do with them--they bear absolutely no blame. Also remind them that they still possess your undying love, as well as the love and support of other family and friends. Be cautioned that it is unfair to give the children hope that someday their parent may return.

As the remaining parent, it is also your job to be on the lookout for the psychological side effects of abandonment. Your children may very well experience strong feelings of rejection, a longing for the departed parent, and eventually anger. If there are any signs of depression after a three-month period, consult a psychologist.