Co-Parenting When Parents Live Apart

Unless parents have agreed or the court has ordered joint custody, the children officially "live" with the custodial parent and "visit" the non-custodial parent. This unfortunate term can make the non-custodial parent feel less than a parent. The terms "time-sharing" and "co-parenting" have now become popular with psychologists working in the field of divorce and with many divorced people, although not with the courts. The new phraseology emphasizes that both parents are still parents--a crucial concept for making life work after that cataclysm of divorce.

Aside from the trauma of a once-intact family's splitting up, children of divorce must adapt to the stress of moving back and forth between two parental homes. Some adjust well to this lifestyle; some have a harder time. In either case, each parent is important in the children's lives, and the children miss the absent parent. Having both parents in the picture--even if they are not living together--is best for your kids.

To make this lifestyle work, each parent must be tuned in to his or her children. Parents must strive to lessen the stress children may feel, and to stay in touch with their individual and developmental needs.

Below, some tips:

1. Cooperate with the other parent as much as possible.
2. Both parents are entitled to know what's going on when it comes to a child's schooling, medical care, and social life.
3. Establish a polite business relationship with the other parent.
4. Be responsible in maintaining the visitation schedule. If a change must be made, work it out with the other parent in advance.
5. If your older children want to change the visitation schedule, have them work it out with their other parent themselves.
6. Respect the rules of the other parent's household, just as you respect the rules of school and other public institutions.
7. Don't send messages to the other parent via your children. Business should be conducted only between parents.

Remember, you have a great deal of control over the way your children handle life after divorce. By cooperating with the other parent, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future. Most of the time, children of divorce can do very well (after a period of adjustment, of course) if their parents maintain a cooperative relationship.

Check Your Attitude

To co-parent successfully, a positive attitude on your part is a must. If you see your ex as your children's parent, rather than as your arch enemy, you stand a better chance of making co-parenting work.

For example, don't criticize the parenting skills of the other parent. Seven-year-old Melissa's father never failed to comment about how wrinkled her clothes were and how messy her hair was when he picked her up from her mother's home. These negative comments about her Mom's parenting skills always got the weekend with her Dad off to a bad start.

Don't focus on every negative comment your children make about the other parent when he's with you. Check your attitude: Do you secretly relish these comments because you can't stand your ex and hope your kids support your view? Are you in competition with your ex for the kids' loyalty? Unless your children are saying something very disturbing about the other parent (physical or mental abuse, alcohol or drug abuse), any negative comments your children might make are often best taken with a grain of salt. Don't blow such comments out of proportion, and remember, your child will resent and distrust you if you cheer him on.

On the other hand, be realistic. Don't overcompensate for your negative feelings towards your ex by bending over backwards to paint him or her as perfect. Nothing in life is all good or all bad, so how could it be for your children's experience at either home? Children should understand that there will be fun times and boring times, happy times and angry times, at either home. In any case, portraying your ex as all good will have a false ring to your kids. (If you like my Dad (Mom) so much, why did you two split up?)

Your children have enough love for two parents, just as you have enough love for two (or more) children.