It's a famous story: Two women were fighting over a baby each claimed as her own. Wise King Solomon had the women brought before him. To be fair, he ruled that the baby be cut in half, with one half given to each woman. The pretender agreed. The real mother screamed, "No! Give the baby to her!" King Solomon then knew that she was the real mother.

Although it's important for both parents to maintain a relationship with their children, visitation schedules based simply on dividing up the number of days in a calendar year without regard for the age of the children, the psychological needs unique to the children, or the temperament of the children can cause unnecessary stress; for very young children, ignoring these factors can cause permanent psychological harm.

It's obvious, of course, that children are individuals. Each child can tolerate more or less disruption and more or less time away from the security of a primary home. It's also clear that, for most children, the ability to make transitions from place to place increases with age. For time-sharing to work, both parents must be attuned to their children's unique requirements and needs, as well as the general developmental pattern that most children follow from birth through the teen years.

Infancy to Two-and-a Half Years

Infancy, psychologists agree, is a time for building an attachment to the primary caretaker. The infant's developmental task is to form trust in the environment. Long separations from the primary caretaker can result in symptoms of depression and regression, and later may result in problems with separation and the ability to form relationships. Toddlers are beginning to develop a sense of independence. They are becoming aware of themselves and begin to speak and walk. They now can use symbols to comfort themselves. Because the successful attainment of these developmental tasks lay the foundation for secure and healthy children, parents should design a schedule that works within the confines of the children's needs at this stage. The best schedule, say the experts, is short, but frequent time with the non-custodial parent: Short because infants and toddlers can't maintain the image of their primary caretaker for long, and frequent to enable them to bond with the non-custodial parent. There should be no overnight visitation for these very young children. Jonathan was a five-month old baby when his parents separated. His father left the house and moved into a nearby apartment. He saw his son regularly at his former home. Jonathan was just at the age in his growth when separation from his mother for any reason causes an infant separation anxiety. All parents are familiar with this stage in an infant's life--no one but Mommy will do. So, as with any other infant of this age, whenever Jonathan's Dad held him, he would start to scream. Jonathan's father would not accept the fact that this was normal behavior. Angry at his estranged wife, Jonathan's father refused to cooperate with the recommendations of a child psychologist. The child, the expert said, should be returned to his mother's arms during these anxious moments. As a result of the father's insensitivity to Jonathan's genuine developmental needs, Jonathan eventually developed an aversion to his father. Jonathan's Dad thus laid the groundwork for his son's resistance to visitation.

Two-and-a-Half to Five Years

This is a time of continued growth and individuality. These young children can now hold the absent parent in mind for comfort for longer periods of time. Language is developed enough to enable these youngsters to express feelings and needs. Feelings and bodily functions are now more in his control. There is also a growing identification with the same-sex parent at this age. Time away from the primary caretaker can increase, and overnights can be introduced, depending on the temperament of the individual child. If the child resists long periods away from her primary caretaker, short but frequent visits should continue until the child is more able to withstand longer separations.

Six to Eight Years

The hallmark of this period is development of peer and community relationships, a moral sense, empathy, and better self-regulation of impulses. Children develop a concept of themselves as they gain competence and master skills. For children to develop normally, it's important, during this age, for the non-custodial parent to participate in the activities within the community in which the children live. At this stage, children thrive on consistent contact with friends, school, and extra-curricular activities. Although the length of time away from home can be increased for those aged six to eight, if a child is homesick, the time away should be decreased to a tolerable level.

Nine to Twelve Years

During these years, children develop their academic, athletic, and artistic skills. They become more involved in community activity. There is an increased desire to maintain friendships and seek approval of peers, as well as growing self-awareness as they begin to evaluate their own strengths and weaknesses against the larger arena of the world. As before, the non-custodial parent is advised to schedule visits, as much as possible, within the orbit of the child's home base. The closer children feel to the non-custodial parent, the more agreeable they will be to segments of time away from community activities and friends.

Thirteen to Eighteen Years

This period marks the beginning of psychological emancipation as children establish their personal identity more strongly than ever before. There is a mourning of the loss of childhood as children relinquish dependency and the protection of the family circle to venture out on their own. Kids at this age are dealing with their sexual feelings. They are also beginning to see how to work within the rules and regulations of society.

At this age, children have generally come to count on a fairly established visitation schedule and routine. Nonetheless, that may change as these teenage children seek to have input into the schedule so that it dovetails with their increasingly complex academic and social lives. Remember: An adolescent can't be forced into a schedule he or she did not help to create.

Visitation Schedules: Parents Explain What Works

There are many variations on a workable schedule. Regularity and predictability are key to assuring your children's feelings of security. The degree of closeness of the relationship with the non-custodial parent and physical proximity to the children are also important considerations.

As the years pass, it is normal to revise a schedule so that children spend increasingly more time away from the primary home. As these revisions are made, however, parents must be sensitive to any signs that a child is being pushed beyond his or her capabilities. Remember that your relationship does not depend on the actual number of hours or days you spend with your children, but on the degree of your involvement, concern, and openness to your children's emotional and developmental needs. Pushing your children beyond their temperament and capabilities can backfire.

Adopt an attitude of sensitivity and flexibility when it comes to the visitation schedule you establish for your children. These are the most important tools you will have in your effort to develop a close, rewarding relationship with your children. If your children are nearing adolescence, their social agenda becomes paramount to them. Although spending time with their parents is very important (and sacred for the non-custodial parent), parents who respect their children's needs to develop a social life of their own will be helping them to grow normally and will score points with their kids. So be flexible and give your kids room to grow.

Real-Life Stories, or, If at First You Don't Succeed Alice and Dan both agreed their marriage had reached an impasse. So when they decided to end it, they were both in the same place. They had a six-year-old son, Jake, and a ten-year-old daughter, Allison. Alice and Dan made an appointment with a child therapist recommended to them by their marriage counselor. The therapist was experienced in working with children from divorced families, so she was able to provide guidance to Alice and Dan in working out a time-sharing arrangement. Because the parents seemed to get along well, she recommended that they be open-minded about how the plan was working. If it didn't work, she advised, they should meet with her again to modify the plan. Alice and Dan agreed. They decided that the children would live with Alice during the week but have dinner with Dan twice during the week. At first, Allison and Jake would live with their father from Saturday morning until Sunday evening. After three months, Friday night at Dad's was to be phased in for Allison, but Jake wouldn't begin sleeping over on Friday nights for eight months. Allison and Jake liked this arrangement, and there was no need to change.

Arnold and Melissa weren't as lucky. They had one daughter, Nicole, age four. Arnold wanted Nicole to live with him every other weekend from Friday night until Sunday night. Melissa agreed, but Nicole did not do well with that schedule. She didn't want to leave her mother and would cry incessantly when her father came to pick her up. Even after she spent some time with her father, she was moody and complained she missed her mother. Bedtime was even worse. Arnold and Melissa tried a few more weekends with this schedule, but Nicole did not feel more comfortable. Arnold agreed to wait a few months and then start with one overnight for a while until Nicole got used to being away from her mother, and then work up to the entire weekend when Nicole turned six.

Michael and Anita had a teenage boy, John, who was not happy about the divorce. After his parents told him they were separating, John withdrew from both of them in sadness and anger. He just wanted to hang out with his friends and even arranged to stay at his best friend 's house every chance he got. Michael and Anita had worked out a schedule where John would live with Michael for two weeks and then Anita for two weeks, but John didn't like the schedule. At first, Michael insisted that John follow the schedule to the letter, but John would not budge. Michael and Anita consulted an experienced therapist who worked with divorcing families. He suggested that John be included in the decision-making process about where he wanted to live. Michael and Anita talked with John, who by now was getting used to the idea that his parents weren't going to be together any more. John said he wanted to stay mostly in the house where he had grown up, but that he would see his Dad on the weekends, as long as he could also hang out with his friends. Michael and Anita agreed to this, and John's new lifestyle eventually became routine.

According to Dr. Janet Johnston of the Center for the Family in Transition, if a verbal six-year-old expresses a clear preference about the schedule, parents should try to accommodate those wishes with this caveat--don't let him know it was his idea! Children of this age can't handle the power of making the decision themselves. It's too frightening. Parents should listen to children from ages 9 through 12 and give significant weight to their views; they should have input into why they want something and when. By the time children are teenagers, they should be given a great deal of say in determining any visitation schedule.