Sharing Holidays
Sharing time with the children during vacation can be worked out equitably or be fraught with emotion. If both parents follow the same religion, inevitably, no one will want to pass up Christmas, Easter, Rosh Hashanah, or Passover. These are precious times of the year, bound up with lifelong memories, and you'll want to be with your children on these occasions most of all.
Harrison and Susan managed to work things out. They agreed to alternate Christmas Day and Christmas Eve each year. That way, each parent could share gift-giving and a Christmas tree with their children. The kids didn't mind--they got twice as many presents!
David and Vivian shared the Jewish holidays by splitting them up and alternating them . The parent who was not with children for Rosh Hashanah was with them on Yom Kippur. Hanukkah was divided in half, as was Passover. All other holidays were divided up and alternated.
Marion and Will were not very religious, so for them, sharing school vacations was more important than celebrating the religious holidays that fell into those school breaks. They each took one school break and alternated winter and spring break each year.
Children's birthdays are often a bone of contention. This one's easy to resolve: Each parent can celebrate their childrens' birthdays. Kids don't mind this arrangement--more presents! More birthday parties! More attention! More fun! Anyway, most children don't necessarily celebrate on their actual birthday, so kids with divorced parents fit right in with everyone else on this one.
Long-Distance Relationships
If, for some reason, one parent moves to another state or even another country, continual contact with children can still be made. Steve moved from New York to Dallas because of a job opportunity he couldn't pass up. But he still wanted to stay close to his children, Tim, 5, and Alex, 9. Steve called them every night before they went to bed. He also wrote a letter once a week and sent pictures of his new neighborhood. He even sent a video of himself taken by a friend. Steve also came up with some clever ideas for relating to his children while he was not with them. He told them to pick a television program they liked, and he would watch it at the same time. That night, they would talk about the show. He sent puzzles and riddles that the children could finish, and he would ask them how they did. Every six weeks, Steve spent a four-day weekend with Tim and Alex in their town. He also alternated school holidays with his former wife, Sharon. In this way, Tim and Alex maintained a pretty close relationship with their Dad, even though he lived a couple of thousand miles away.
High-Conflict Divorce
Evan: "I can't take it anymore! Every time I get ready to go over to my Dad's, Mom tells me to make sure to tell Dad he owes her two months' support! Then Dad tells me to bring a message to my Mom that he's paying her too much! I just feel like running away from both of them."
Kate: "I know what you mean. I can't stand the way my Dad always asks me who Mom's been seeing. Then he asks me to find out more about her dates and tell him."
Matthew: "My Mom and Dad can't keep from making snide remarks to each other when my Dad comes to pick me up. Why was I so unlucky to get parents who hate each other?"
Amy: "I always feel pressured to take sides. Why don't they understand I need and love both of them? I don't want to side with one against the other!"
Divorce is generally born of conflict. But when extreme conflict persists even after the members of the couple have parted ways, the children of that marriage may find it difficult, if not impossible, to heal. Indeed, when parents cannot put their mutual anger aside and when they sweep their young children into the conflict, they have ceased to protect those children and irreparable damage may result.
These children of high-conflict divorce, torn between the two most important people in their lives, are often emotionally damaged by the struggle. According to psychologists, such children are often depressed and aggressive. Later, as adults, they will usually have difficulty with intimate relationships. They are far more likely to divorce than adults who come from intact families, or even divorced families at peace.
Because open conflict is most likely to take place at the time the children go from one home to the other, many psychologists specializing in divorced families now recommend that the number of transition times be reduced in high-conflict situations. Here are some specific recommendations for visitation schedules when open warfare rages:
- For moderate conflict: When parents function well on their own but fight when they are in contact with their ex-spouse, psychologists Mitchell Baris and Carla Garrity recommend minimizing transitions by packaging visitation into one block per week. For very young children, the midweek visits would be eliminated. For older children, the visits would be consolidated each week. These experts also recommend that transitions be handled by a neutral third party or take place in neutral places.
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For moderately severe conflict. When there is constant litigation and sometimes even physical threats or abuse between parents, children suffer extreme emotional scars. In such cases, Baris and Garrity recommend supervised visits until the parents are assessed by a mental health professional.
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For severe conflict. In this situation, when children are at immediate risk of physical or sexual abuse, visitation should be supervised.
Remember, it is never too late to begin healing yourself and provide a healing environment for your children. If you think you are in a high-conflict situation, seek immediate help from a mental health professional--preferably one experienced in working with divorced families.
The Role of the Parenting Coordinator
Psychologists like Mitchell Baris, Carla Garrity, and Janet Johnston, who are in the forefront of research and work with families in high-conflict divorce situations, have developed the concept of the Parenting Coordinator. The Parenting Coordinator, who must be familiar with family law, conflict resolution, mediation, family therapy, and child development, is not a mediator or a therapist. Instead, this third party works within the confines of the Divorce Decree to settle disagreements between parents as they pertain to the children. The Parenting Coordinator may report regularly to the court. They can speak to the children's therapist and to the court. The therapist, however, is protected from litigation so that she can work with the children without being pressured or manipulated by either parent. The Parenting Coordinator can also be a facilitator between parents in high conflict. If one parent wants to send something to the children, he or she may send it to the Parenting Coordinator to make sure that the children receive it. The Parenting Coordinator also determines when the children are ready for increased visitation, which may have been shortened or curtailed because of the conflict. The Parenting Coordinator maps out a detailed parenting plan, which is agreed to by all parties. The more detailed the plan, the less room for conflict.
Some points covered in the parenting plan include:
- Visitation plan: Sets a drop off and pick up time and place, designates a means for transporting children between households; institutes a set plan for handling a refusal to visit; decides who is responsible when children are sick.
- Schedule change requests: A set protocol for trading days or making last-minute changes.
- Phone calls: Should they be regulated? Should children be able to initiate phone calls in private at any time?
- Toys and belongings: Provides guidelines for moving things between two households.
- Boundaries or rules at other household: Neither parent can tell the other parent what rules to set; if abuse is suspected or concerns about parental judgment persist, the Parenting Coordinator must be contacted.
- Pets: Establishes rules for moving them back and forth between homes with the children.