Jimmy: I hate going back and forth. I feel like a Ping-Pong ball. I just want to stay in one place, in my own room with my own things.

Anna: I'm glad I get to spend time with my Dad and with my Mom. It's a hassle to go back and forth, but it's more important to me to see both my parents.

Transitions are difficult for children, especially young children. (This is also true for many adults, depending on their temperament.) Try to remember what it feels like when you first go on vacation, and you're in a new hotel room. You may have mixed feelings --a little excitement along with some unease because you're in a new place. Remember what it feels like when you stay at a friend's house --there's the strange bed and bathroom, the likes and dislikes of the individual you're visiting, the different routines. The first night you may feel uncomfortable. You miss your own bed, your carpet, your morning coffee; you long to be free to look really grungy until you've completed your morning routine. Imagine this scenario, and you will begin to understand what your child's back-and-forth experience is like.

To your advantage, you are an adult with an adult's perspective. Children, on the other hand, have little life experience and also often experience time differently. What might be just a weekend to you feels more like a month to a child. What might be a two-week summer vacation to you, seems like a lifetime to a child.

Children can have difficulty thinking about leaving their custodial parent and their primary home even for the weekend.

Although your children love their other parent, the transition may still be hard because it is a major change in your children's reality. For children, every reunion is also a separation; every transition is bittersweet. Every "hello" is also a "good-bye."

If you are the non-custodial parent, when your children get adjusted to being at your home, it may be difficult to think about leaving you again, even though they're glad to see their custodial parent.

For a time after returning to their original home, there is another adjustment period. They may miss the parent they just left and act rebellious, be unusually quiet, or just want to be alone for a while. Each "new" parent should give the children time to adjust and not get overly concerned with behaviors that seem unusual during this period. Be sensitive to your children. Read a book or do some other quiet activity with them. If they seem to need some space, finish up what you were doing before they came back. In time, things will get back to normal.

Keep in mind that your child will probably get more one-on-one attention from his parents after the divorce than before the divorce.

The working parent who did not spend much time with the children pre-separation may now spend much more time with them. The custodial parent may feel that this is just a ploy to reduce child support (more time spent may reduce support) but this may be the best news for the children. The non-custodial parent will usually bend over backwards to be with the children at the appointed times.

Getting Ready to Go: Giving Your Children the Tools to Cope

Every child has a different temperament and therefore handles transitions more or less easily. Going off to school, camp, or to a friend's house are other examples of transitions that might be difficult for some children. As in all these situations, the more routine, the better. This is especially true for very young children.

To find ways to help your children detach from one home and ease into their new environment, think about some of the things that would make you more comfortable if you had to uproot yourself regularly.

Ashley always brings her favorite slippers and a book she's been reading when she travels. Dave takes his laptop and works on the same projects wherever he goes. Karen has a traveling bag that always has the same travel items, so when she opens it up, she's got her home away from home.

To get you started thinking about things you do to feel comfortable when traveling or away from home, make a list of your own.

Some Tools to Help Your Kids with the Transition

Here are some ideas for helping your kids handle the transition from one parent to the other. You know your children best, so think hard about what makes sense for your family.

1. Make a calendar with your children. The calendar should include the highlights of his schedule, including all major activities and especially those times when they will be with the other parent.
2. Remind your children that they are leaving the day prior to the visit.
3. Depending on the age of your children, help them pack their traveling bags the day before they leave. If they are school-aged, make sure that their homework is included. Have a very young child choose a cute traveling bag that is fun. His input into this symbol of his transition will help give him a feeling of involvement and control.
4. Anything that they can keep at their other home (toothbrush, comb, pajamas, etc) to ease the packing and make them feel more comfortable when they are with the other parent will help.
5. For very young children, a traveling bear or other stuffed toy can help provide a sense of security. If your child expresses worry that his bear might be left behind, get a few traveling friends that can stay behind or be easily replaced.
6. A picture of the absent parent can accompany the child.

The Exchange

If you and your spouse or ex-spouse have a working relationship, the transition from one home to the other is easier on both the parents and the children. Children sense their parents' tacit approval and take with them the good wishes of the parent they are leaving. Even though the sudden change is stressful, knowing that the parent being left supports the going and will be fine during the absence gives the children the foundation they need to cope.

Your children will not stop loving you after they leave, even though deep, deep down inside you might fear their loyalty will change.

Seeing Your Ex-Spouse Through Your Children's Eyes

To lessen the uncomfortable feelings you might have when you have to face your ex-spouse during the exchange, try seeing him or her through your children's eyes. Keep your feelings about your ex-spouse separate from those you have about your children's parent. This technique will help keep your attitude positive during the exchange, which in turn will allow your children to feel okay about leaving you. And, you really want your children to feel okay about leaving you. (Don't worry, they'll come back!)