After the shock of your divorce has dulled ever so slightly, you face the realization that you and your children will be a slightly smaller family. Whether your children are living primarily with you, or whether you live with them three days each week or every other weekend with midweek visits, you will still be experiencing your family with one less member-the other parent. This definitely takes a bit of getting used to. In time, new patterns of living will start to feel normal, and the fresh wounds of the family's division will begin to heal for everyone.


A New Beginning: Just Your and the Kids

At first, being a single parent may seem overwhelming. Remember how you felt when your first child was born? You were scared but excited. You didn't know what to expect. You were exhausted and awed by your responsibility for this new life. Yet, you rose to the occasion. Single parenting is once again a time for reorientation. This time, it's just you and the kids.


The Custodial Parent

What's really different for you now? There are some differences with regard to the children. You will not have backup for discipline. You may be the one helping the kids with their homework all the time. If you haven't so far, you will be the one pitching them balls or shooting baskets with them after school. You will be alone with them at dinner time. With the exception of the last item, this is not all bad. Your relationship with your children will get even closer than before, when you might have shunted them off to their other parent to play his or her role as "mother" or "father." Now you can explore the other world of parenting. "But when will I get a break?" you might ask. Your break comes when your kids are with their other parent. That's a nice, solid break. Enjoy it!


The Family Round Table: All About Dinnertime

What about those dinners with no other adults? Try to invite friends or neighbors over for dinner once or twice a week. Take your children out to restaurants so that you can be surrounded by people, or just enjoy catching up with your kids' daily activities. Don't park them in front of the TV while they're eating. Have your meals together. That will give all of you a stronger sense of family.


An Issue of Discipline

Studies have shown that children do best with firm discipline combined with a lot of communication and affection. You may be tempted to overindulge your children to make up for the pain they are going through because of your divorce. This approach has been shown to have the worst outcome for children. Even a very strict, authoritarian approach (no hitting, please!) seems to help children and teenagers more than a permissive style. At this unsettled time, children need boundaries and limits combined with lots of patience and understanding.


You're a Person, Too
Taking care of your own needs is one of the most important things you can do to support your kids. If you are an unhappy parent, it will have a major impact on your children. They look to you for strength and support. It's frightening to children of any age to see a parent lost to depression and thus removed from them emotionally; for many, the situation provokes anxious feelings of losing that parent as well, something especially painful at the time of divorce. To help them, help yourself:

1. Get enough rest and exercise, and eat "healthy."

2. Put yourself in places where you can meet new people.

3.Get busy with renovating your new life-start with renovating your house or apartment!

4.Take an adult education class.

5. If necessary, go into psychotherapy for a while.

As the custodial parent, you have a lot on your plate. As long as your ex-spouse is in the picture, though, you are not entirely alone in the raising of your children.


Non-Custodial Parent

The noncustodial parent will also be facing new challenges. Much of what is true for the custodial parent is also true for the noncustodial parent. The good news is that you have time for entertainment and your errands when the kids are not around. Then, when the kids are with you, you can really devote that solid block of time to them. If you used to give short shrift to your children because you were too tired when you came home from work, you might not have developed the kind of fulfilling relationship you can now enjoy.

The non-custodial parent, often the dad, must make special effort to maintain a close and loving relationship with children. Jack Feuer, a journalist, a divorced father, and the author of Good Men: A Practical Handbook for Divorced Dads, has a few winning strategies for forging bonds when a parent is not in daily contact with the kids:

1. Put a phone line in his or her room so you can call without going through your ex-spouse.

2. Send them photos of your time together.

3. Plant a flower or plant in their garden when they are with you, and when it blooms, send it to them.

4. volunteer to coach your child's youth sports team.

5. Baby sit when your spouse must go out.

6. Avoid the "Disney Dad" syndrome -- the tendency of non-custodial dads to make every second special. These fathers take them places, buy them things, and make the visit into one big playtime, Feuer says. Yet children want everything to be normal, and you must establish a normal post-divorce life with your child.

7. Share discipline with your spouse. Non-custodial dads are often reluctant to share in the discipline, Feuer notes. But it is important that dads participate in the discipline process, and that they develop, with their ex-spouse, a style of discipline that is consistent in both homes. "My son goes to bed 30 minutes later on school nights at my house than he does at his mom's," says Feuer, "but if he misbehaves at school, the punishment is the same at both houses. And if she says he cannot see videos because he misbehaved at school, he does not see them at my house, either."

8. Give your children a sense of possibilities,establish horizons, and teach values.

9. Come to terms with your divorce so you don't communicate feelings of anger to your children. If you are having trouble dealing with your emotions, seek counseling. "Because many men do not know how to experience strong emotions when they feel them," Feuer says, "they might have the impulse to flee, removing themselves from the emotional lives of their children in the process." Since this is the worst mistake a divorced father can make, Feuer suggests therapy as a viable alternative.

10. Treat your ex-wife as a business partner. "Be civil and courteous," Feuer says. "The research on the impact of divorce on children is often ambiguous, but there is one thing on which everyone agrees: The degree of hositility and amount of conflict between parents has a direct impact on how children will grow up. Do not ever fight with your ex-wife in front of the kids for any reason."

"Your job as a parent is the most important you will ever have," says Feuer, "and you must live up to your end of the responsibility. Be a dependable parenting partner, and remember, the kids come first."

What are your practical responsibilities as a noncustodial parent? You don't have to buy the clothes for your children, but if you can afford it (even if you are paying your ex-spouse support), it might be a good idea to have a spare outfit or two at your place. Some toys for the younger kids is a must. If you cook, do be the provider of home-cooked meals. If not, try to learn. If you can't see yourself in that role at all, or you think you're hopeless, then order in or go out. Regarding discipline, the same is true at your home as for the primary residence: Firm discipline with a loving touch yields the best results.

What if your very young children are having a hard time being away from their custodial parent? If you are not able to comfort your small children after a reasonable amount of time, be flexible and hope your ex-spouse will be as well. Bring your children back and try again soon, maybe for a shorter time but more often. In the end, you will have earned your children's trust in you and you won't have risked their emotional well being.


Doing it All: Including a Life of Your Own

Being a single parent is, indeed, a juggling act. If you have not been working, you will most likely have to revamp your entire world view and put major time and effort into developing your career. You will also need help with the kids when you aren't home. Depending on their ages and your financial situation, you may need a full- or part-time baby-sitter and day care or nursery school. For older children, if you can afford it, having someone at home for their arrival will give them a feeling of security. Even young teenagers-although they won't admit it-feel more at ease if they know someone is looking after them.

You'll have to shop whenever you have a spare moment and have dinner ready for your hungry brood. Spending time with your kids after dinner playing games, reading, and doing homework is the rewarding part of parenting. This is especially true for single parents, whose time with their children is limited to the hours and days that the children literally live with you.

You need friends, too. Unless the reason for your divorce was that you had a new love in your life, at some point during the healing process you will be ready to meet new people. Dating again can be scary or exciting, depending on your temperament and state of mind and how badly you've been burned. (More about this in Chapter 27.) The question here is, how to fit a social life into your busy schedule and how it will impact your children. The best time to become socially active is when your kids are with their other parent. First, you will be free to be you, not your kids' parent. Second, your children will need time to think about your being romantically involved with another person of the opposite sex.

We know you might not believe it, but eventually, you will get your life together. In our most optimistic moments, we love to point to Lori-a recently divorced friend of ours who has done an admirable job. Lori, the mother of a seven-year-old boy, Ari, and a ten-year-old boy, Jesse, had recently divorced. Her main occupation had been raising her two sons, although she had begun a singing career before she had her first son. After the divorce, she decided to go back to music school so that she could become a teacher. She had some savings to live on but had to work part-time as well. Her children went to school on an early bus every morning. Lori had one class in the morning, did some shopping after the class, and went to her job selling designer eyewear. A classmate of hers agreed to be at her home at 3:00 p.m. when her children got home from school. When Lori got home, she made dinner, worked with her kids on their homework, and read to them before bed. After they were asleep, she did her own homework. Sometimes she fell asleep before she had put on her pajamas. When Ari and Jesse were with their father, Lori did more school work, all her errands, and took in dinner and a movie with a friend. A year after the divorce, she forced herself to go on a date. She made it a point to fit one singles event into her schedule every month. She also joined a fitness club and worked out on her free weekends. Lori is still single, but today, she's a success. Ari and Jesse, now in the ninth and twelfth grades, respectively, are top students as well as athletes. They both have an abundance of friends. And Lori is a music teacher who feels pride in her children, her ability to earn a living, and her new circle of friends.


Nurturing Your Kids

Whether you're the custodial or noncustodial parent, your children need nurturing. As single parents, both you and your ex-spouse have to be both mother and father when with your children. Each of you is responsible for the health and well-being of your children when they are with you-including hugs and kisses (number one on the list), goofing around, feeding them, making sure that they brush their teeth twice a day, and taking care of them when they're sick. Byron's daughter, six-year-old Michelle, lived with him three days each week, every other weekend, and one evening each week. Michelle was more important to him than any other part of his life. He was lucky to have a job as a bank teller, where he could be home at 5:30 p.m. every day with no take-home work. When he picked up Michelle on Friday evening, he always took her to her favorite Japanese restaurant. She could count on it. Michelle ordered the same dish, tempura, every time. When they got to Byron's home, it was time for Michelle's bath and storytime. Byron had a big book of Winnie the Pooh, which Michelle loved her Dad to read to her. Before she went to sleep, Byron would help Michelle call her mother to wish her a good night. The rest of the weekend was always spent on activities together both indoors and out. Sometimes Byron would invite some friends of his who had children, and Michelle would play with them for a while. But mostly, because Byron's time with Michelle was precious to him, he was one-on-one with Michelle. On Monday, Byron took Michelle to her kindergarten class. Because he was still at work when she was finished, he had a standing arrangement with a neighbor's 17-year-old daughter to pick up Michelle and stay with her until he got home from work. Then Byron cooked dinner and put Michelle to bed. The next morning, Byron took Michelle to school. After school, her mother picked up Michelle and took her home.